When playing board games with your children, should you deliberately let your children win?

When playing games with their children, many parents are always struggling over whether to lose to their children. Letting children win can help them build self-confidence; but letting children lose can make them feel frustrated, and a little setback is also helpful for their growth. So what is the scientific way to do it?

Should children be allowed to play board games with their children?

Should you let your children play board games with your family? It depends on the situation.

Understand your child's inner world through games! This is a short sentence on the title page of the book "Mom is also a Game Expert", but this sentence is the best interpretation of understanding your child's inner self through games.

Gary Lanjos, a master of play therapy, said: Birds fly, fish swim, and children play. Children are born to play games. The core value of play therapy is to follow the way children play and establish a connection with them by participating in their games. Through games, you can establish a connection with children. When the connection with children is strong enough, children are willing to open their treasure chests in front of you. At this time, we can see the self hidden in the child's heart. This is also the best way to understand the child's potential personality traits.

But when it comes to building connections with children through games, while it’s not something you can do easily, it’s also not as difficult as you might imagine.

When it comes to playing games, parents’ attitude is everything

This is a rather abstract concept, but it can be presented through the specific process of playing games with children. Because games can bring many specific situations to the participants, and even conflicts, the attitude of parents in dealing with them is very important. How parents view a game activity will determine whether it is a good opportunity for parent-child companionship or a dilemma that causes parent-child conflicts. The core value of the board games shared earlier is mainly about the attitude of parents towards games.

As long as the parents have the right attitude and really want to play games, when playing games, the children can easily feel that you are a different parent and feel relaxed and natural in front of you without feeling any pressure. At this time, both parents and children can get a very pleasant feeling in a game, which is the so-called flow state of the flow theory, a kind of joy from the heart. And all this starts with the parents' willingness to play a game with their children!

Admitting defeat is a serious attitude towards playing

How do you start? You have to admit defeat! Admitting defeat means playing seriously and accepting the result of losing to the child.

It has been 7 years since I started sharing with parents at parenting seminars for kindergarten, elementary school, junior high school and even high school. During this period, more and more parents know about board games and want to bring board games into their family life. However, I have also observed some phenomena during the seminars. Some adults will automatically withdraw and say to me: "Let the children play, I will just watch from the side!"

In fact, there are many messages behind this, such as: adults are nervous about new things, so they dare not try; adults want to rest, so they just watch the children play; some are afraid of losing to children, so they dare not play with children, worried about losing face! Adults will think that children are very good at playing games, and then they feel that they are not good enough, or even that they do not understand the game well enough, which is very embarrassing in front of children, so they choose to respond: the children play, I just watch! In fact, this is because of fear of losing.

Even if they know that they may lose to their children, parents still bravely accompany their children to play games. The children will definitely be able to feel that feeling, and they will naturally want to play games with their parents. At this time, parents must play with their children in a serious attitude. Even if it is a simple game, they must show that they really want to play. In this way, there will definitely be a very happy atmosphere.

Let the kid win, okay?

As for whether or not to let the child win, it depends on the child's situation and the atmosphere of the game on that day.

The principle that can be grasped is that if it is the first time for children to play a game, I will let them win most of the time. However, I will not let them win too much, and I will let them win without leaving any trace. And after the game is over, I will tell the children loudly: I let you win! Next time I will play with you seriously and win back!

Why should we selectively let children win when they are playing a game for the first time?

If children win in their first game, they can build up their interest in the game, as well as their confidence and sense of achievement. Some people also say that you shouldn't let children win! Of course, if children can accept the concept of losing calmly, and even become more courageous after more setbacks, then of course there's no need to let them win! It all depends on how much the child can handle.

Winning or losing a game should not be a source of stress

A few years ago, I heard a mother sharing at a lecture. The mother told me that she and Baba would play board games with her child every night before going to bed as long as they had time. I thought it was great that Baba had such a heart to accompany the child. However, one night, when the child had just fallen asleep, he suddenly talked in his sleep. The mother who was sleeping next to him heard the child say: Mom, Dad keeps sending elephants to step on me (note: Frank Zoo game) and won’t let me win!

Upon further questioning, I learned that the father had always wanted his child to learn to accept the concept of losing from the game, so he had been playing games with the child very seriously. He thought that if the child lost a few times, he would be more familiar with the concept of losing and would learn to accept it.

The original intention was good, but the father forgot that every child is a different individual and each child will develop differently. He did not realize how well the child could tolerate stress, and just wanted the child to learn frustration tolerance from the game. He forgot why he wanted to play games with the child in the first place, and the way he originally wanted to accompany the child instead caused more pressure on each other. In the end, he had to stop the board game time before going to bed every night.

Therefore, whether to give in or not, and even how much to give in, all depends on the child's level of tolerance.