How to get along well with children and have good communication

When everyone has children, they always have the idea that they want their children to be successful. This invisibly puts pressure on the children. We always want our children to be good children, but we forget that children should have their own way of life, and happiness is what they deserve most in their childhood.

What is a good child?

I have never been a model student myself. But my child has been a model student several times through voting by his classmates. Every time he comes home, he shyly tells me, "Dad, I was chosen as a model student again." In addition to being happy for him and giving him affirmation, I think that the result of voting by the children in the class through a democratic mechanism also shows that the child should be popular in the class and can be recognized by his classmates. As for what each child recognizes? That is unknown. However, a thought often comes to my mind: "What is a model student?"

I don’t think the child himself knows. Sometimes when I look at the child in front of me, I can’t help but wonder: “Does he really want to be a model student?” “What does being a model student mean to him?” “Will being a model student become a burden to him, with more expectations placed on him by others?”

Perhaps you will ask in confusion: "Isn't it because the child performs well that he becomes a role model in the class and is elected as a model student? Isn't this an honor that many children dream of? But not everyone has it! There may be only one in the class every school year." Regarding "model students", what prompted me to think is: the extent to which adults allow children to make mistakes.

Why do model students “must…”, “should…”, “have to…”? This is what I care about. Not only model students, but also the “good” children and “good” children we expect, do we unconsciously require them to “must…”, “should…”, “have to…”? These unreasonable requirements often make children feel suffocated.

Regarding the "model student", what prompted me to think is whether children can be themselves freely. Since I was a child, my family, teachers, classmates and neighbors have always treated me as a "good child" or a "well-behaved child". Although I have tried my best to maintain this good impression, to be honest, I feel a little repulsive in my heart.

Being a good kid, a well-behaved kid, always makes me feel like I live for my parents, my teachers, my classmates, and some inexplicable people, and I perform as they expect. It is only at this age that the silent voice in my heart that has been hidden for many years starts to call out, "I just want to be myself, the real me, a me who occasionally lies and makes mistakes." I also want to do some harmless things. I have never been a model student, and I will not always emphasize to my children that "you are a model student." Fortunately, I have never been a model student.

The Secret Guide to Facing Yourself

Tip 1/Remove the high standards

Tip 2: Allow children to make mistakes

Tip 3/Breaking the spell of the perfect child

Tip 4: Children also need a break

Tip 5/Give affirmation based on the facts

Remove high standards

Model students are sometimes like walking on the red carpet at the Golden Horse Awards ceremony. With every move, they can easily become the focus of everyone's attention. But not every child wants the spotlight to focus on them, to be treated with high standards, and to have their words and deeds magnified and scrutinized. Children are not stars or public figures, they are just children. High standards are too sharp, just like swiping a mobile phone in a dark room, with strong light shining directly on them, which can damage their eyesight.

In any case, model students are still just children, and they are still growing through trial and error. Setting too high a standard, expecting too much perfection, and treating them too harshly are too heavy a burden for model students. Please remove these high standards and adjust your perspective to treat them reasonably.

Allow children the right to make mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes, so don’t expect model students and good children not to make mistakes. Not make mistakes? Even we adults can’t do this. We need to listen to the cry of the child’s heart at the right time: “Please give me some rights to make mistakes, please allow me to be a little naughty.” Can children be naughty? It depends on how you define “naughty”. If the child’s naughtiness is small, harmless, does not affect others, and makes you feel better, can you accept it? Especially when the child is (forced) to be selected as a model student. Please allow the child to be naughty within a limited range, and not to hurt others. Because we ourselves expect this.

Breaking the Curse of the Perfect Child

The halo of a model student is like a curse to children, suppressing their behavior and preventing them from being free. Perfection is sometimes a scary word that constrains people's body and mind and makes them unable to break free. Don't think that model students are supposed to be perfect. Perfection is only suitable for advertising slogans. After all, children are not commodities. For children, the requirements for perfection, such as truthfulness and sincerity, often come from adults who are not perfect at the beginning.

When adults place unreasonable expectations on model students, over time, children will be like being implanted with a virus program, and their thoughts will be affected. They will begin to implement the "perfection program" on themselves, and painful self-demands will also arise at the same time. Don't let children bear too many constraints, like Sun Wukong being put on the tight hoop and feeling uncomfortable. Being spotless will only increase children's pressure and pain, not to mention that this is an impossible task! As adults, we need to play the role of anti-virus programs to help children remove the magic of perfection.

Children also need to breathe

Children need a break, model students need a break. Please loosen your excessive demands on children, even a little bit. To let children catch their breath, we must think back: What is the meaning of "model students"? Please let model students return to being ordinary children! Stop emphasizing "models! Model students are of course a noble model! They have good virtues, and their behavior is worthy of emulation and serves as a demonstration!" The idea of ​​"model" is too heavy for children.

Give affirmation based on facts

Being affirmed is a good thing. Being affirmed by the majority is something many people dream of. But if you can give affirmation based on the facts, it might be even better. Please don't put a "model student" hat on your child's head, and then unconsciously take it for granted that he is "good at everything." Don't regard model students as all-rounders. This is a misunderstanding and a myth. To a certain extent, it can also be said to be a kind of psychological abuse. Please deal with the facts and pay by piece! When giving affirmation to your children, be specific one by one. Being recognized, getting feedback, being affirmed, and being rewarded are of course good things, and everyone wants it, but please don't pick up a big hat and force it on your child.