What should I do when my child cries and makes a fuss? The child's desire for attention

Every child longs for more attention and love from their parents during their growth, so they often cry and act mischievously to attract their parents' attention. In this case, how should parents resolve the conflict and comfort their children at the same time?

Child abandonment

Will you love me only if I am great? How to deal with the abandonment complex of children?

Whenever his father and mother are angry, Youyou will do something very interesting. In addition to acting cute and making faces in front of his parents, he also has a killer trick - showing an innocent look, waving his right hand slowly in front of his face, and whispering, "Mom, don't be angry, Mom, don't be angry..."

Seeing Youyou like this often makes people unable to get angry no matter how angry they are.

"Mom, do you love me very much?" Youyou asked in a sweet childish voice while being held in her arms. "Of course I love you!" Mom was stunned for a moment when she asked this. Hearing her say love, Youyou made her favorite signature move: "Mom, don't be angry, Mom, don't be angry~~ Hehe. Mom loves me." This... Youyou actually used this ultimate move to please her even when she was not angry.

I wonder if you parents have ever noticed that the little kids at home seem to have learned to read the adults’ expressions without realizing it. So when they are throwing a tantrum, they seem very “young”, but sometimes they seem too sensible, as if they do everything just to get the adults’ attention and love – what kind of behavior is this?

In psychological research, we found that children will have a complex of desperately wanting to be loved during their growth process. We cannot criticize this impulse with any moral standards, but should understand that it is natural and help children deal with this feeling, so as to prevent children from caring too much about the love and views of others and feeling anxious and painful, and to strengthen their psychological ability and balance.

The child may think so

Early childhood: The ups and downs of trust

The importance of a mother to her child originates from the stage of breastfeeding and milk-feeding. In addition to satisfying the child's oral stimulation, breastfeeding and milk-feeding also create a unique mother-child relationship, allowing the baby to gain pleasure through interaction with the mother during the process of drinking milk. A sense of trust is thus established.

However, the world of children is full of ups and downs. Through whether they drink milk smoothly or not, and whether they feel comfortable or not, they will decide whether the world is beautiful and whether the person in front of them is trustworthy. So we will notice that some children will chew their mother's breasts when drinking milk. This is a behavior they use to get rid of the negative emotions in their hearts. If the mother does not leave for this reason, the baby will know that this person will stay here no matter what, and a sense of stability will gradually develop in their hearts. But in the process of this "gradual formation" of stability, the sense of trust will fluctuate, and the baby will be happy and angry at one moment. If the mother does not leave for this reason, the baby will know that this person will stay here no matter what, and a sense of stability will gradually develop in their hearts. But in the process of this "gradual formation" of stability, the sense of trust will fluctuate, and the baby will be happy and angry at another moment.

More and more mothers know the importance of breastfeeding, but this also leads to a potential sense of loss for many mothers who do not have enough milk or cannot cooperate, and feel that they cannot provide a good growth environment for their children. In fact, breastfeeding is of course good, but the most important thing in the process of breastfeeding is "mother-child interaction" - therefore, the bottle must be with the mother (so no matter how busy you are, try not to leave your child alone in bed to drink the bottle︶), so that the child can interact with people, have imagination, and then build a trusting mood.

Trust determines the imagination of abandonment

Children who lack trust are prone to "imagining being abandoned." The so-called "lack of trust" is different from "unstable trust." The former has obvious signs of lack of trust, while the latter is the "separation anxiety" that will rise and fall in childhood.

So, how do you judge whether your child lacks trust? You can observe through the following methods:

The child will stick to you and cry or make a fuss as long as you are not around, and comforting him will not work. (This means that the child may not trust you to come back to him)

When you are not around your child, he will cry and make a fuss, but when you return to him, he will act as if nothing happened. (This means that the child cannot express his true emotions)

When you are not around your child, he will cry and make a fuss. When you return to him, he will hit or kick you angrily. (This means that the child uses contradictory or reverse methods to deal with his emotions towards you)

The above indicators are called "insecure attachment" in psychology. Some of these children are also prone to biting their fingers, pacifiers, or people. To deal with such phenomena, it is not the usual practice to "stop" the child from doing this, but to start from enhancing the child's inner sense of security.

Parents can do this

Conditional love? Or unconditional love?

Everyone can think about it, is there such a person in your heart: no matter what happens, when or under what circumstances, you know and believe that he will always be there to support you.

If you have such a person, you will definitely understand that being supported by someone like this will give you a deep sense of stability in your heart - in psychology, this is called "unconditional love."

Many people find it difficult to give unconditional love, especially for children. That is because our growth process is tied to too many schoolwork and external performances. When we see our parents smile with satisfaction because of our performance, it is difficult for us to judge: Do our parents love us because of this satisfaction? Or would they be so satisfied with us even without such performance?

Therefore, "unconditional love" becomes difficult for people to "feel" and "experience" - even if it exists, it is often a momentary feeling. Therefore, for children who do not have a strong ability to think about "love", parents need to use the "language of unconditional love" to help them build trust and self-affirmation. The following practices are provided for your reference:

Separate the person from the behavior: "Baby, what you did was wrong. Mom is very angry, but Mom still loves you very much, so Mom hopes you won't do it again next time."

Affirmative language is used for "people", while warning language is used for "things": "Baby, you are really great. You are becoming more and more spontaneous.", "Baby, if you do this again, I will be very angry. If you do this at school, the teacher will also be angry."

Confirm, Assure, Ask Yourself

If your child does show a lot of lack of trust, parents don't need to worry too much - trust can be established no matter how old the child is, but it may take longer as the child gets older. When facing a child's lack of trust, you can refer to the following principles for handling it:

Confirmation: "Baby, do you think you have to do this to make your mother happy?"

Guarantee: "Mom really thinks you are very cute and happy when you do this, but no matter whether you do this or not, mom loves you very much because you are mom's little baby!"

Ask yourself: "Am I too happy when my child does something well? Or am I too demanding of my child (don't do this, don't do that)?"

In fact, all children are really just children. On the university campus, I have heard many children say that even though they have grown up, they are still waiting for their parents to say: "That's enough, you are already good enough, don't work so hard anymore!"

These cannot be said or done

When the child does something good, the parents hug and kiss him, saying he is great, but they don’t explain why he is great. (The child doesn’t understand why he is being praised)

Threatening to kick the child out when he does something bad, or saying he is so stupid and doesn't look like his own child - even if it's a joke. (The child will imagine that he has lost his parents' love)