The eldest daughter is jealous of the second child's younger brother being favored. How to appease the eldest child by having a second child?

With the opening of the second-child policy, many young parents have plans to have a second child, but what should they do if the eldest child does not approve of having more siblings? How can they appease the eldest child after having a second child?

10-year-old daughter is jealous of her younger brother being favored, so she beats and scolds him and even self-harms

"I am not their biological child at all. I hate them. When I grow up, I will give everything back to them..." Lin Xia (pseudonym) from Jining accidentally read her eldest daughter's diary. The extreme and abusive words in it deeply hurt her. She knew that the "they" here referred to herself and her husband. "Since the birth of the second child, Nana's temperament has changed drastically. She even hurt her younger brother and herself." Speaking of her eldest daughter's situation, the mother choked up and blamed herself several times.

Three years ago, when her younger brother was born, Nana's small room was changed into a bunk bed, and even her favorite stuffed toy was placed at the head of her brother's bed. The sudden addition of a new member to the family caused Nana a lot of psychological pressure, and she began to dislike this noisy "little thing". "Can you be quieter? Why do you just cry? It's better without you." Nana was full of resistance to her younger brother. She didn't want to tease him, and even didn't want to see him. When her younger brother was just born, the family revolved around him. Whenever she saw such a scene, Nana would always go back to the room silently.

"Bad guy, you never smile at me, so I will leave the smile to that bad guy", "You don't know how to do anything except beat me and scold me, I will return everything to them when I grow up"... By chance while cleaning the room, Lin Xia accidentally turned over Nana's diary, which was full of extremely abusive words. Lin Xia's eyes went dark, she could not imagine that her daughter had such thoughts in her heart.

What is even more worrying is that when washing Nana's clothes, a little blood on her sleeves caught Lin Xia's attention. When she rolled up Nana's sleeves, she saw seven or eight shallow scars on the child's arms, which were shocking. Some of them even had blood scabs. These were all scratched by Nana herself with a pen or a knife. Realizing the seriousness of the matter, Lin Xia and her husband took the child to the hospital for help. During the conversation, the psychotherapist planned to talk to the parents alone and wanted Nana to wait at the door with her brother for 5 minutes. Unexpectedly, not only was Nana extremely disgusted, but even her parents disagreed, worried that Nana would hurt her brother.

"We don't dare to leave the two of them alone now. She often beats her brother until he cries and pushes him off the bed," said Nana's father. "Nana's case is not unique. As a Class III psychiatric hospital in Shandong Province, we have received many patients of the same type from all over the country, and the number has increased significantly compared with previous years." Zhang Yuebing, director of the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychology at Shandong Daizhuang Hospital, said that with the full liberalization of the two-child policy, having another child has become a consideration for many families. When parents plan to have a second child, they really need to be mentally prepared for the first child.

How to comfort your first child before having a second child

Now that the second-child policy is fully open, many families are beginning to prepare for a second child. Among many families that actively respond to the idea of ​​having a second child, there are some tricky problems. The eldest child in the family is very reluctant for his mother to give birth to another child for him. They worry about losing their place in the family and being ignored by their parents, so they take many measures to prevent their mother from having a second child. How should we deal with such a situation?

1. Before having a second child, you should guide the first child to accept his younger siblings

Telling the older child how the baby was born can reduce the child's anxiety and is also a good way to educate the child about life. You can tell him that "the baby will make a hole in the mother's belly by itself." This explains why the mother's body becomes weak and correctly explains how the baby is born.

2. Let the eldest child participate in all preparations for welcoming the new baby

Children are most afraid of being ignored by their parents, so parents should let the older child participate when naming their younger brother or sister or preparing items, such as asking the older child to help the younger brother or sister choose a nickname, or asking the older child to sort out the small clothes he or she has worn, etc. This is a way to respect the older child, and the older child will also feel excited and full of expectations for becoming a brother or sister.

3. Take Dabao to see a friend’s newborn baby

If the eldest child is a girl, she will have a natural "maternal instinct" and when she sees the babies in her friends' homes, she will unconsciously like them: What a cute little baby! Then you will carefully touch their little hands and feet to inspire her to take care of her younger brothers and sisters.

4. Instill this concept in Dabao

"You'll have a younger brother or sister soon, and you'll become a strong brother (sister) who can protect him and won't be bullied by others!" "Other families don't have sisters, but we have one. She'll follow you like a follower and proudly say that your brother (sister) is the best!" These words are very contagious and can not only make Dabao realize the benefits of having a younger sister, but also arouse his/her desire to protect her as an older brother or sister.

2. The confinement period is an important period of emotional adaptation for Dabao

Although the eldest child may have imagined all kinds of things before the younger child was born, it is still completely different when the child is actually born. Therefore, the confinement period is not only a recovery period for the mother, but also an important emotional adaptation transition period for the eldest child. During this period, the family environment changes, and the mother cannot go out and has to stay in bed to rest. Therefore, the eldest child's emotional reaction will be the most intense, and he may even have many abnormal behaviors.

1. Make sure to spend as much time with your baby as possible

During the confinement period, the younger baby eats and sleeps, so it is not very important whether the mother is with him or not. So except for breastfeeding, all other things can be left to the family, so that the mother can free up time to accompany the older baby.

2. Try to ensure that Dabao’s life does not change too much

For example, if the eldest child likes to go out and play, then ask the family to take the eldest child out to play more often. But some children will stick to their mothers and must go out to play with them. At this time, the father should try his best to take over.

3. Tolerate children’s negative emotions

During this period, the eldest child will get angry and hit people, throw things, and go against adults. At this time, you must not be tough with your child, but be patient and gentle. This is the most challenging time for parents. When two children cry at the same time, you must remain calm, otherwise you will get into a more troublesome situation.

4. When there is a conflict, protect the big one instead of the small one

If the older child wants mom to play with him and the younger child cries, mom should play with the older child first and let the family comfort the younger child. Only when the older child has built up trust in mom will he not hate the younger child and will he truly care for and give way to the younger child. During this period, you should follow the principle of protecting the older child and not the younger one. In the future, when the older child accepts the younger child, he will give way to the younger child without you having to emphasize.

5. Let the older child participate in the process of taking care of the younger child

For example, preparing milk, feeding, washing bottles, etc. In this way, he will feel that his younger siblings also have a part to play, and naturally he will be more likely to accept the younger one. Whenever the older child does these things, the family should try to praise him, and they are not afraid to exaggerate at all, praising him several times a day, praising him in front of neighbors and friends, etc.

Finally, children are very sensitive, and some careless words from parents may cause great harm to them. If you have a second child, parents should remember not to say these words to their children:

"You are the older sister (older brother), so you should be sensible and give in to your younger brother (sister)."

"I will love whoever is good between you two."

"If you bully your brother (sister), mom will not like you."

The benefits of having a second child

The communique of the Fifth Plenary Session of the 18th CPC Central Committee, released on August 29, 2015, proposed "full implementation of the policy that a couple can have two children." The population policy adjustment of the universal two-child policy aims to reverse the trend of declining demographic dividend and accelerated aging. For people of childbearing age, what are the benefits of having a second child?

1. Give your only child a companion so that their childhood is no longer lonely

It is not enough for children to have only their parents' company. Having a second child means that children will have a stronger tendency to share with others in their childhood. The closer the relationship between the first-born child and his peers, the stronger their willingness to share and take care of young children, and the lower their level of loneliness.

2. Let the child's mind develop soundly

The growth environment of only children can easily make them self-centered, unable to communicate and share with others, poor hands-on ability, lack of responsibility, strong dependence and other problems. If you have a second child, it will make the first child have a certain sense of responsibility, need to protect the younger siblings, and be a role model for them. Two children growing up together is conducive to the healthy development of the first child's mind.

3. Prevent parenting risks and reduce the burden of supporting children

Nowadays, after many only children get married, they have to shoulder the responsibility of supporting four elderly people. Although many parents no longer need their children to support them after retirement, there are still many unpredictable problems such as illness, which bring great pressure to their children. If there are brothers and sisters in the family, the pressure will not be so great, and when encountering family problems, they can rely on each other.

4. The second child is a lubricant to resolve conflicts between couples

Although having a second child will bring various pressures to the family, the child can inject fresh vitality into the dull family, giving the couple more motivation to strive for success. The warm life of a family of four is very enviable. The second child brings double happiness to the family, and the second child is a lubricant to adjust the conflicts between the couple.

Disadvantages of having a second child

Two years after the "two-child policy for couples with only one child" was relaxed, China decided to fully relax the "two-child policy". The economic cost, education cost, time cost, and opportunity cost of having a second child are inversely proportional to the willingness to have a second child. The negative impact of having a second child is directly related to the amount of life pressure people bear. What are the disadvantages of having a second child?

1. High cost of raising children, increasing the economic burden

At present, the education expenditure of Chinese families is allocated based on one child per family. If there is one more child, it is really a considerable burden. The main reason why people are reluctant to have children is the high cost of raising them. The cost of raising two children is 1.5 times that of raising one child. According to the family's consumption, raising a child in poverty will cost 680,000 yuan, and raising a child in wealth will cost several million yuan.

2. Increase the burden on time and energy

Today, people born in the 70s and 90s are under more work pressure, and the pace of life for two children is bound to be faster and more difficult. On the one hand, the elderly are old and in poor health and need care. On the other hand, the children are in the transition stage from kindergarten to primary school, and parents also need to spend more time and energy to accompany them.

3. Induce parent-child conflicts

Today, only children are more fragile and sensitive psychologically, and the first child may not be able to fully accept it emotionally and behaviorally. When faced with a newborn baby who is younger than themselves and gets more attention from their parents, the frustration of being threatened, deprived, and robbed will be more obvious. They don't know how to balance the love for the two children, which induces parent-child conflicts.

4. Children’s education is not guaranteed

After the full implementation of the two-child policy, a large number of children have reached school age, and the originally sufficient kindergarten or primary school places have gradually become saturated. In order to cope with the impact of this policy, many district and county education departments have adjusted their household registration policies for enrollment. This series of measures will make it more difficult for children to enter kindergartens and schools.

5. Impact on career development

Being unable to stay at home full-time due to life pressures will inevitably distract from work. Emotionally, it means that fathers have to spend more time with their children, and some mothers may even have to become full-time mothers, which is not conducive to women's career development and improvement of their social status, thus causing conflicts within the family.