How do women get through the grief period after failed pregnancy?

Some sisters don’t know how to face it after the treatment failed, what to do next? I can fully understand the shock, disappointment, heartache, confusion, self-doubt, and complete collapse of confidence. Before each treatment, whether it is taking ovulation pills, artificial insemination or test tube, our body and mind are 200% prepared, and we go into the battlefield with full confidence, thinking that this must be the time!

While waiting for the results, I kept getting tiny signals from my body telling me that I had great hope. My confidence level was rising. Then, fourteen days later, when I saw a line on the pregnancy test stick, three lines immediately appeared on my face. I kept thinking: I failed again! How could this happen? What did I do wrong?

Effects of failed pregnancy

When you go to the hospital for a follow-up check-up, you will most often hear the doctor say "probability problem" or "poor embryo quality". In fact, sometimes even the doctor does not know where the problem lies, and he is just using the safest answer to comfort you. In fact, it can't be called comfort at all. Should we say it is evasion?

Then they say: We can try again after one or two cycles. Anyway, we are the ones who pay the money. We try, and the doctor also tries. He cannot guarantee success next time. So we spend a lot of money and fall into this endless cycle, draining our wallets and energy, waiting for a miracle.

Speaking of the number of failed pregnancy tests, I can't even count them with my ten fingers and ten toes. I have also experienced eight failed ovulation pills, artificial insemination, and IVF treatments. To be honest, I really don't know how I got through it; I don't know why I could go to work the next day after each failure, and I could still put on a smile and pretend that nothing had happened; I don't know how I found the courage to enter the next treatment after failure.

People seem to be like this, taking one step at a time, and then the days pass. But I know that after failure, I must adjust my mood well, otherwise it will definitely leave a big shadow, making you afraid to move forward, afraid to face the next course of treatment, and you can only mark time, and then complain why it is so easy for others and so difficult for me.

How to deal with mood after failed pregnancy preparation

Crying several times

Just cry as much as you want! Whether it is artificial insemination or IVF, it costs a lot of money. Last time I spent 130,000 yuan on IVF, and it was all gone. It was like the money was taken away by a fraud group. How can I not cry? Spending money may be a small matter, but I think the most hurtful thing is the psychological torment. For each treatment, we build up confidence from scratch. On the day of the lottery, confidence and hope have been piled up as high as Taipei 101. But a line on the pregnancy test stick, or an HCG index of less than five, makes this confidence and hope collapse in an instant. You really have every right to cry!

I recently watched a program called "My Baby's Adventure". It was about children under five years old who were running errands for their parents for the first time. Many children started crying as soon as they let go of their parents' hands. They kept crying along the way because they had never gone shopping alone. They felt lonely and scared. But after crying, they suddenly felt better. Then they wiped their tears and walked forward, telling themselves to be brave. Aren't we just like these children? Facing the next treatment, we feel lonely and scared. Crying is sometimes the best way to heal. Just cry for three days and three nights until you feel that it's enough and you don't want to cry anymore. Then wipe your tears. At this time, you are halfway healed.

Find someone to keep warm

After treatment failure, do you complain to your friends? I think it should be rare, because people who don’t have the problem of having children really can’t understand our desire for children, and usually get bland and standard comfort, or even get cold water. After treatment failure, you must find someone to warm you up. You can find your partner, hug each other and cry together, but sometimes even though your partner has experienced failure with you, the degree of your pain will be different. You must find a woman who has walked this road before, so that she can fully understand without saying anything.

On the road to having a child, you must have friends and good sisters to walk with you. When you can’t go on, someone will reach out to help you and keep you warm.

Go out for a walk

Many people with children say that they should go out more when they don't have children, because after children come out, they don't even have the chance to go to the movies. At first glance, this sounds like comforting people who can't have children, but in fact, I think it really makes sense. I have many friends who have not been able to go to the movies for several years since they had children. They can't go anywhere they want. They have to find someone to take care of the children and go wherever the children want to go. I think having children is sometimes really troublesome.

After the last IVF failed, my father and I went to Japan for a trip. It was so much fun! We could go wherever we wanted, eat whatever we wanted, and go shopping. If we had children, we wouldn’t be able to go abroad. Even if we did, we would have to bring a stroller and a bunch of children’s things. The children would cry, want to be held, or sleep in the middle of playing. Now it’s just me and my father, and we can move around freely. I didn’t expect that during that trip to Japan, I would really think, “It’s so good not to have children!”

So, after the treatment failed, go out for a walk with your husband! Relax, let your mind temporarily put aside the annoying things such as childbirth and treatment, and enjoy the world of two people. In fact, many people envy our life! Sometimes you are imprisoned in the prison of seeking children for too long, and you really forget to look at the scenery around you. In fact, we are also very happy without children now!

God has something to tell you.

I think there are reasons behind everything that happens, but we are confused by the situation and cannot figure it out at the moment. But when we think about it later, we will think, "So that's how it is." I have mentioned to you before that in the first two years of my marriage to Ban's father, our relationship was not very stable and we often quarreled. To be honest, if we had children at that time, we would have divorced a long time ago.

During those two years, we experienced four failed artificial inseminations and one miscarriage. Our relationship actually became stronger and stronger amidst a series of changes that happened in our lives. During those two years, we encountered many challenges in family, career, wealth, health, and having a child. If a child had come along at such a precarious time, it would have been like dropping a stun bomb and we would have been killed long ago. So, Ben's father and I are actually very grateful that our child did not arrive at that time.

After the treatment fails, you can think about it. If you don't have a child now, it must be the wrong time. If you force yourself to have a child, it may be an unhealthy child, which will become a lifelong pain; even if it is a healthy child, it may drag down your life, which could have been very happy. God must be telling you something through this failure. There must be something in your life that is not perfect, such as your financial situation, living environment, relationship with your spouse, health, mentality, etc. You think you are ready, but in fact you are not. Or maybe God wants you and your spouse to enjoy your world for a little longer, and when everything is in place, the child will come.

Finding out the problem after pregnancy failure

The last IVF failure seemed like a failure on the surface, but it was also a great success for me. Because of that failure, I was fortunate to have the advice of the sisters in the Xinyu community, so I went to check my immune system and found out the culprit of my infertility and repeated miscarriages for three years. I didn’t check the immune system because of the advice of any doctor, but through the sisters in the Xinyu community. The reason the doctor gave me for the failure of the last IVF was "poor embryo quality". If I had just foolishly accepted this reason, I don’t know when I would have found out the immune system problem. You never know when and where the noble person in your life will appear.

After the treatment fails, take the reasons for failure given by the doctor as a reference, because doctors are very busy, they have dozens of patients a day, and they cannot accompany you to unravel the problem. If you fail, they don’t have to pay you or be responsible. At most, you can change doctors and try again. However, how much time do we have to do this again and again?

You must find out the problem yourself like a detective investigating a case. Have you done all the necessary tests? Fallopian tube photography, hysteroscopy, immunology, and many more. Go online to refer to other people's experience. The doctor has no time, but you do. Only you care about your own body the most. Find out the problem by yourself, remove all the stumbling blocks on the road to having a child, and then enter the next course of treatment.

I think there should be many ways to adjust yourself after a failed treatment. Please contribute more so that more sisters can benefit. I think no matter what, give yourself enough time to heal. No one says how long it will take. Some people recover in three days, while others need three months. Through the healing process, regain courage, and when you feel that your physical and mental state are adjusted to the best, start again!